im always sad

Hello my name is fuckup225 and this is my diary
i like to code and wish i had antidepressants
a noose is always at the ready in my closet
i like to idolize and glorify mass killers because it makes,me happy To see people die :) and I whant to kill people
im a kid with no life goals other than ensuring fragments of my skull impale onto your eyeballs
update: now a medically recognized schizophrenic

live laugh loathe.

--01/06/24
there is nothing im more tired of than living. if youre not willing to give me what i want, im not willing to ask for it. its all talk. its always just some fucking talk for these people. i care about you until you actually need me. ill leave you to rot in your worst moments and then come back later as if nothing happened… i know youre not obligated guide me or be my therapist. BUT I DIDNT EVEN FUCKING ASK FOR MUCH!! I DIDNT EVEN TELL YOU WHAT HAPENED! ALL I ASKED WAS FOR US TO TALK!!!!! FOR US TO FUCKING TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A SINGLE RESPONSE WOULD HAVE SAVED ME BUT NOW IM HUGGING MYSELF IN THE HARM WITH A BLADE IN MY HAND!!! every day it seems like no one sees and no one knows so dont fucking call ME selfish. because im only angry here because i never fucking tell anyone how i truly feel. im incredibly fucking selfless even. i dont give a shit if “ohhh ohh muh muh bloatinf discredits it”. every day i kind of feel like cancelling the show i fucking did everything for everyone. i sacrificed my blood, work, time and money. i worked my sweat into supporting them. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE IM MAKING IT UP i offered them so much. and what do i get? THE FEELING OF DREAD AND HELPLESSNESS WHEN IM REFUSED A SIMPLE FUCKING HELLO! I PRAY TO GOD THAT IM JUST MAKING IT UP i feel evil in me. i just needed SOMEONE to talk to, not someone to talk me OUT OF IT. just someone to TALK to. you werent even fucking BUSY you stupid FUCK. FUCK. !!!!!! but ill never tell you, i wont make you worry. because im too fucking nice. dont even fucking inquire
i let you do this
i let this happen
thanks FOR the REMINDER that EVERYONE is ROTTEN!!!! I NEARLY FORGOT! HAHAHHAH
i CANt take it YOU USE ME UP IM LIKE IM A TOY BUT IM ALIVE LIKE ITS A STORY

--28/03/24
HELP! IVE FUCKING GONE CRAZY!
haha, im just joking.
remember me when im gone. or dont. actually, dont lmao. i dont wanna be remembered if im being honest. ive never liked being the center of attention, especially not of the publics. but obviously i never got that one simple thing i wanted, with the amount of times ive been spread like a lolcow. pictures taken of me, spread, comparing me to vile things, youll see. the only thing thats vile is your souls. and youll never face consenquences. Unless someone ahs something to say against it uhm and thats when i come in

--25/02/24
everyone treats mee like a joke. a toy. im fucking more than that. im not yor fucking enteraaitaainment. i fucking hate eveeryone. stop pretedning you understand. stop expecting to be spared. you arent entitled my forgiveness just because you spoke to me. you arent entitled my forgiveness becausee your my so-ccalled "friend". you dont fuckig care. im nothng but an item or a tool to you. ill fucking end you aall someday, youll see it coming, but youll never know when. youll live in fear knowing youll perish soon. i dont fucking care whatit takes. for all the times youve sodomized me mentally, raped my ego, utterly humiliated me for your own gain and social acceptance, ill shoot a bullet into you. rip and tear into your skin. becaus one day, youll leearn, karma is real.

--15/02/24
What do you do, when the party's meant for two? And no one's really showing up. No one gives a fuck about you.
Maybe you would see if you came back for me, that I would sneak you through your low and lonely lows, baby I can see with your back turned to me, that you would leave if I couldn't do things on my own. Need to tie a knot, can anybody say how? I'm waiting for you it'll happen any day now..Or one day oh, one day.. Your memory will fade.. Can I touch you? I really wanna touch you. Can I fuck you? I really wanna fuck you. Or one day oh, one day, I hope you'll feel the same.
Maybe you would be the perfect guy for me, But I just cant compete even though I've killed myself. But why should I believe you? Every breath you breathe and everything you do is alerting and I'm squirming on the floor. So when can I see you?

Everyday I'm waiting just for something new. It's so sad but true.
Everyday I'm waiting just for something new. It's so sad but true.

--14/02/24
my moms a bitch and she ruined the gift i made for my dad with the excuse of "i did it to piss off your dad", when all it did was fucking kill me because i waited all day to give it to him, and the fucking land whale piece of shit ate it. she mocked how upset i was and kept telling me "he saw it anyway". i want to fucking kill her just thinking about it. i was pissed so i listened to goreshit loather and started hurting myself for some relief, first time in a while. my dad walked in and told me he appreciated it anyway and that i was the only one who cared about him this valentines. i snuck outside with my dad at 11pm, it was great. he was drunk, he told me life stories, about his favorite writer and how we actually live right beside him, about how grandpa was dirty rich in the soviet union period. he told me how they went broke one day and he noticed his tea didnt have sugar anymore, he looks in the cup and swirls it around; its lacking flavor. something's wrong. but as a blissfully ignorant child, this meant nothing, just a minor change. i wouldnt mind experiencing that, losing everything handed to me. we went to a dominos we used to go as a family when i was a kid and ordered garlic bread and pizza. i tried to pay for the food but he was reluctant. he praised me for being "smart" even though im a fucking suicidal retard, but whatever. we barely ate so we just took the food home and i wanted something sweet so i got a souffle i got all the time as a kid. we walked home in the darker around 1 am, and i left the door slightly open before we left so nobody knew we left in the first place. we got home and we wished eachother a good night.

--14/02/24
wheres my are you ok? wheres my how are you? wheres my dont kill yourself? wheres my i care about you? nowhere. theres no point in anything anymore. i hate my fucking life.
i wish someone would save me from this feeling.. well, he was here, but i lost him, so..
hes probably dead. if hes dead, ill go too. my only friend. if there's no god, how come everythings against me? this cant be a coincidence. everythings against me. i hate my fucking life. i felt ok for a short period of time and it was raped away from me. why does this always happen to me? i feel like im dying, i hate writing ot hhow i feel, it downplays the sinking feeling i get and the gaping hole in my heart.

--13/02/24
My friends don't care that I'm suicidal
I've been putting up memes about wanting to die hoping someone will talk to me. No one cares. Not one of them even cared enough to copy and paste the suicide hotline number. Why? Am I useless? Am I not worth it? Why don't people like me? I feel alone. how do I deal with feeling so low and at the same time knowing people don't care? how do I rationalize this? They left me at my lowest but I wouldn't do the same. There are people who care about me- my ex, and my mum and siblings. It's just eye opening that people I consider friends really don't care. I suspected it but it's actually true.

"we care" "we asked about your well being after you left and blocked us all once" "i wished you well on instagram after you left" ...bullshit, its all fucking bullshit, i hate you all.
you lie straight to my face thinking, 'well i tried my best. i put in my effort to help you get out of your rut.' at least be honest. just tell me you dont give a shit instead of lying to me to feel better about yourself. your all the fucking same.
wish i was as pure as i were at birth.
dont let them pretend they were there from the beginning.

--13/02/24
now that i think about it, if i were to be on the tip of my toes on a chair with a noose around my neck, i wouldny have anyone to tell "i love you" before i go, i wouldnt have anyone to write a note to so that theyd talk me out of it. i dont think anyone would remember my existence. i miss him. closest thing to love that i ever had